Have you ever been so angry you cried?
Recently got pissed at something too minor.
Brought back some nasty memories.
Something I want to deny.
To deny that flawed person was actually me.
I don't want that part of me to surface again.
Have you ever felt like killing yourself?
Killing away the part of yourself you despise?
Because of fear.
Because you fear yourself.
You fear the monster that resides in you.
Forget it.
These turbulent emotions are well hidden.
Denied of its existence.
Misplaced it is.

Today out of the blue I feel really blue.
Saw my mum online and I still feel alright.
But everything just went out the window.
Cause she mentioned about Toowoomba.
(fyi, i live on the 11th floor..so yeah ha ha)
She met up with Edine and teacher Sonya!
She said J's 2nd child is due in June!
And Sonya is working in a boutique shop!
She saw her son Robert who has grown!
It got worse when she mentioned school.
But she could only take a picture from outside.
It got to a point where I feel desperate..
..to go back there to Toowoomba once again.
Yet something mum said made me hold back.
Some sad situation there about the teens.
Which made me think oddly of Kaela.
One fear I face if I step back into hometown..
Is that we have a whole lot of differences.
And we might have awkward silences
Still the feelings for that place is overwhelming.

Today I gave myself another bruise on my body!

(not something i should be proud of but then..)
I totally didn't see the slippery mopped floor.
So of course no doubt I ended up on the floor.
Thank goodness landed on my legs or else...
Still, it was utter embarrassment for me man.
Alas, I should claim the Queen of Clumsiness title.
Anyway lately I should snap myself out of it.
It is so bad that I should go commit myself in..
..into a nunnery..well you get my drift?

I am glad I am somehow alive after yesterday.
Was initially so hyper and happy for cycling.
Went Lorelle's house to make breakfast with her.
Met Lynnette and Yvonne to go ECP for cycling.
About an hour plus into teaching Yvonne,
I had sudden stomach discomfort out of no where.
Thought it was due to drinking too much fluids
And hoped it would go off really quickly
But it got worse and I was feeling like ****.
This had to be the worst cramps I got in my life.
Had to slowly make my way to a shelter for rest.
And sit there clutching a towel for pain relief.
With closed eyes because the sun was "suddenly" bright.
Pity Yvonne gave up learning after 2 hours.
End up leaving for Marine Parade with L-ders.
Thank goodness for the immediate pain reliever.
Which came in the form of a menstrual tablet. ha ha!
(yvonne saved my life here with just that! ha ha!)
So thankfully I could stomach lunch after that.
And was in a much better form to go round 2 cycling.
But sadly the weather was bad so it rained continuously.
The other 2 L-ders didn't like the rain at all.
I liked it oddly. It was a new experience of cycling! ha ha!
But other than weather, there were too many people!
Some annoying pests blocked the cycling track.
Anyway, there were really kind people that day.
Giving us tissues to wipe up after a "freak accident".
(the other 2 L-ders crashed into each other)
Alright not really in the mood to say much more.
Since now my home is emptier without Mummy here.
Hyping my mood up myself watching hunky males. ha ha!
Oh yeah~

Hmm shan't lament on how badly I did for quiz today.
Besides, the "highlight of the day" is making breads!
And we got to do it in the culinary kitchen! :D
(haha us 'L-ders' reaction to it was funny..)
Despite not seeing handsome chefs cooking seriously,
Making breads and cinnamon rolls sure made up for it.
Never have I made bread in 19 years of my life.
So yes, you can imagine how deliriously happy I was.
Plus after seeing Chef Gary in action today,
It sure gave me new found respect for all chefs.
Even though all he did was "massage" the dough.
Despite scrubbing like nuts to clean the baking tins,
It was worth it looking at the bread we brought home. :)
But today's icing atop the cake was Lorelle's BD! ha ha!
Dressed in usual "tighty whities". How typical!
(she thinks i am describing his underwear..ha ha!)
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you know he's the one when he's your sole reason for living

I wrote another.
But I'm sorry I laughed at this.
Even sorrier I imagined it out.
Kudos to those who get it.

It does not matter anymore
Whether your heart
Is there or not
Since it lies in my hands
In my grasp
Now you belong to me
Solely mine
I told you this before
It does not matter anymore

Levina.
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Edit:

Shit. I think I will die due to my curiosity.
Curiosity killed the cat.
But I couldn't help it. I was really curious.
Just so you know, food did me in.

Yes, yes, I know I am not supposed to be here.
I'm supposed to be having great fun with school work.
Well heck, I'm bimbotic.
It's shitty wondering what the hell am I doing with my life.
And feeling like a total bimbo with my lot of friends.
Especially when they take just so little to understand.
While I take a million years just to process one part of it.
Lately my patience is running on thin ice.
But shall keep holding it on! (or should i say in?)
I am feeling so...blank, lost, faraway, drowned.
And alone is another one.
Cause today everyone talked about things I don't know.
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what happens if i just decided to let go?