levina

Exposed.

2012-03-07T19:42:00.002+08:00

Could you hear?
My heart beating
Giving me away

Too fixated.
Too dependent.
Still bothered so much.
Especially so today.
Just that act.
And I kept replaying it.

Sadly I kept wishing.
But it's too far fetched.
For it to come true.

I kept wondering too.
How did this come about?
When did it become this serious?

Then I questioned myself.
Is it that wrong?
Can I accept it even?
Am I afraid?

And I keep thinking.
It's the only thing I think about these days.
This sucks.

Flawed.

2012-03-03T22:12:00.002+08:00

I sit there and feel like a fraud.
They speak the same words.
They feel the same disgust.
And I...pretend to agree.

I don't need to know.
All of you just said it out.
What I'll be in your eyes.
I can only hide.

Nobody needs to know.

If.

2012-02-29T19:48:00.003+08:00

At times like this I wonder.
What if things were different?

I'm starting to weird myself out.
It's never meant to be logical.

OMFG really..

Not Over.

2012-02-25T23:26:00.002+08:00

Everyone seems to have someone.
Someone they can never get over.
Be it they were together once or never.
Time may pass but this just never does.

Existence.

2012-02-24T22:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I don't even see the point of my existence.

Limbo.

2012-02-24T22:05:00.005+08:00

Can one yearn to live and die simultaneously?

Going into the deep end too easily.
And getting harder to break out of it.
I can veer from one extreme to the other.

They know me too well.
I can't say it at all.
How can I?
I didn't do as I preach.

Sometimes I sit in front of them.
Everything seems normal.
I'm still me as before.
But inside I'm screaming.
"I'm here, I'm here."
I'm there in presence.
But I feel so far away.

People say they see things in black and white.
Or in shades of grey when they are down.
But not for me.
Everyone and everything is in color.
Only for me.
I'm the one in grey.
Fading away.

Wrongful.

2012-02-23T23:36:00.002+08:00

I have this nagging feeling.
That it is all just because.
Only because mountains could be moved.

Almost veered off the edge.
Couldn't bring myself to do it.
After hearing those thoughts.
Still in turmoil, my mind.

Did you know such people exist?
I am one of them.

I feel sick.
Of myself.

Panic.

2012-02-22T21:31:00.002+08:00

Lately everything is about xx.
I've seen this before. A cycle.
And I hate it so.
The rise and fall.

Yesterday was on total panic mode.
I fear for my own thoughts.
And fear it comes true.
All along I just joke about it.
And friends are just saying it.
I'm not sure about it anymore.
I can't tell the difference.
Liking someone and admiring them.

I've never really thought about it.
If one day it really turns out so.
How would they really react?

And so, I had a sleepless night.

Fast.

2012-02-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

I had a flash of anger.
It was all too easy.
How a moment could change.
With just a few thoughts.
And everything falters.

But when I cooled down,
I realize I did that too.
How easily it was felled.
With just a few thoughts.
It all came crashing down.
That was how it ended, no?

Thus I concluded.
Human relationships are too complicated.
I rather stay single.

Shift.

2012-02-17T23:48:00.002+08:00

I sense a shift happening.
Today something changed.
Didn't see it for myself.
But I sure as well heard it.
In the midst of all the description.
I for once actually thought of you.
And how close the description fits.
This is where I realized again.
How true and right I was.
Remember what I said?
That you'd be perfect for her.
Because I'd known better.
For she is my best friend.
Already then I thought.
We're misfits.

So...
This concludes.
I know myself..
My likes.
And dislikes.

Today I thought...
Of having a baby.
But.
I don't want a guy.

Bittersweet.

2012-02-16T07:44:00.002+08:00

I guess I've really exacted the perfect revenge.
All the times I was left hurt and wondering.
Now I left someone in the same state.
I wonder who is worse.
The ones who hurt me.
Or me who did that.

I don't like having anything to do with the past.
People look back at their past and grow from there.
I prefer to look forward to the future.
And never look back.
It makes me sick to think back.
I despise it.
I deny it.
Non-existent.

Mysteries.

2012-02-13T00:12:00.003+08:00

Must Brazilian waxing always be for a man?
Well, it definitely isn't for me.
But it sure was awkward pretending it was.

Random dream:
There's something about that mystery man
Who blocked the sun from my view
And lean in towards me with a kiss

I've been seeing too many pregnant ladies.
And all too many children running around.
Just can't help hoping to be a mother already.

Sometimes I look at you
At your back view
Into your eyes
Linger a little
At your lips
And I wonder...

Saturday made me realize.
How fast we seem to grow.
Each time we meet.

And I also learn a lesson from dinner:
To always avoid anything creamy from now on.
All because of that risotto I had.
Followed guiltily by an ice cream.
Resulting in a back flow of contents.
That was the weakest I've ever felt.
Hate having been seen like that.
Ah well.

All It Takes.

2012-02-05T23:03:00.002+08:00

Patience.
I'm pretty sure I have some.
But when it comes to this person.
I suddenly have none.

And I'm most certain I have tried.
In fact a lot of times.
But really it takes a toll on me.
How to not be frustrated?

And I know I am not the best.
Ever since I've started working.
I've become more materialistic.
Adding on to being already practical.
Also noting how my views have changed.

It's getting harder to understand this person.
Maybe so is everyone else around me too.

Changes.

2012-02-03T22:23:00.001+08:00

How much has gone?
From who we used to be
To who we are right now

Breath-less.

2012-01-31T21:30:00.003+08:00

Today it seems so hard to breathe all of a sudden.
Sometimes I just wonder...
What if I just stopped breathing altogether?

Soar.

2012-01-24T14:09:00.002+08:00

"We're all just looking for a sky in which we can soar."

Crash & Burn.

2012-01-24T01:55:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I look back and wonder.
How did I crash so fast?

Then there are times when I remembered.
What that b**** mentioned before to others.
Emotionally unstable?
It sounds accurate now.

I'm again at a stop-still.
And I don't know what to do.
When have I ever been sure?

Sleeping Beauty.

2012-01-23T22:38:00.003+08:00

This year's lunar new year.
By far the most boring one ever.
All I did was be sleeping beauty.

I realized this year how time flies.
This year we all realized it too.
How fast everyone is growing up.
Also how our parents are growing old.

Lastly, I hate to admit but growing apart.
Our parents are the ones that bonds us.
Without them I can't imagine what happens.
Every lunar new year, will we still meet?
Especially with those distant relatives.
Not only do I fear but I feel sad at that thought.
Yet I too succumb to it.
Doing nothing to salvage that growing distance.
Will we all just live to regret?

how much is overstepping the boundary?
these unspeakable thoughts of mine.
you'd have never believe it to be me.

Stop.

2012-01-16T21:48:00.002+08:00

In the last moments,
Will you stop and take a breather?
Take the last look around.
Before it all goes dark.
Admire the little things.
Those you failed to notice.

Will you remember those smells?
After a downpour.
Out from a shower.
Foods you loved.
His cologne.

Will you remember the feelings?
Your feet on the grass.
The sand and sea.
Touch of fur and feathers.
Kisses and hugs.

So in the last moments,
Won't you change your mind?

Questionable.

2012-01-15T22:47:00.002+08:00

First time I brush it off.
Second time it seems questionable.
Someone was right or seems to be.
Deprivation? Desperation?
I find it highly suspicious.
Call it a woman's instinct.
But I think there are hidden motives.
This week is the last week.
After that I'm all alone.
I don't want to face it.
Hmm good time to try my recipes.
What with those leftover oatmeal.

Unspeakable.

2012-01-14T21:39:00.003+08:00

Things can never be said.
Because you don't know where to start.
It is just too much and too disadvantageous.
And so I'll just live and let be.
From today I'll drop all that baggage.
And I leave it as it is.

~~That includes the motherfucking bastard.~~

Buffet-ed.

2012-01-08T00:03:00.002+08:00

Another year.
My dad got older. haha.
Okay I shall try not to make fun of him.
Lunch treat eating fast food with folks.
Went home and started organizing stuff.
Glad my wardrobe looks nice and neat now.
Should I say for now?
Since it will go back to its messy state soon enough.

Cleared away all the old unnecessary baggage.
Had to bid goodbye to sentimentality.
And say hello to practicality.
So bye bye my teddy bears.
But in doing so I hope I won't regret.
And end up becoming like my sister.
With her weird obsession with carebears.

Dinner buffet at Melting Pot Cafe.
I guess it is called a cafe for a reason.
Do I look that bimbotic or what?
Coffee and tea was supposedly self-serve.
I went over to make a cup of green tea.
A nice waiter came over to offer help.
I refused his offer and went about it.
It was the electric kettle hot water dispenser.
Usual methods was to manual push down pump.
But apparently I didn't notice a small button.
One press was all it took for it to come out.
This was all done by the same guy I refused.

Anyway mum must be such a good storyteller.
For I was so enraptured I kicked the chair.
It fell to the ground with a resounding crash.
And I was so shocked I dropped my cup of tea.
Spilled some jasmine green tea on the table.
Not to mention the whole world stared at our table.
And a waitress kindly saved the day.
Embarrassed much?

Alarms.

2012-01-06T23:52:00.002+08:00

Mood.
It's like anything can set it off.

I can't believe I'm waiting.
Maybe I still am.
But I realized it won't come.
I am right afterall.
Years have gone by.
And you still remain the same.
The same intentions.
Then I wonder again.
How many have you conned?
And I ask myself so many times?
Subconsciously I knew your tricks.
Why do I still let myself fall for it?

Excuses.

2012-01-05T11:41:00.002+08:00

If you're going to commit suicide, don't fail.
Cause the explaining to do later only feels more like excuses.

Into the new year.

2012-01-01T02:06:00.002+08:00

I bid goodbye to everything in 2011.
And say hello to the unknown 2012.
These days plagued with negativity.
Trying hard to keep myself intact.
Wanting to tear myself apart.
And rebuild myself and start anew.

I want to.
No I need to.
Stop lingering in the past.
I can't say I will.
But I definitely will try.

I want to be strong.
Even in the midst of criticism.
And not be felled in just one try.
To be emotionally in control.
Mentally too if possible.

Haha!
Is that too much already?

Remarks.

2011-12-31T01:40:00.002+08:00

Lately maybe I've been too sensitive.
And with me also too much pride.
Hurt by just a passing remark.
Then anger overtook all emotions.

Family.
Its a love hate thing.
Yet hate is too strong.
It's just I can't get along.
I never felt like I belong.
Out of place is what I feel.

Accident.
That's what I am.
I just can't help but think.
If I had never been born.
It would have been a perfect picture.

Lucky.
I know I am.
But these are my feelings.
I can't erase them.
No matter how hard I try.
And the thoughts that come with it.
Takes a huge effort to dispel them.

Dirt.
Is what I feel around my sister.
Maybe not even worth that.
Is it just my self esteem issues?

This friction wears me thin.
With that the strong front crumbles.
I wish every time to be strong.
Yet I still remain weak.

Judgmental.

2011-12-30T01:30:00.002+08:00

Inside I'm dying to tell someone my secret.
It still torments me how easily I gave in.
There's this person I envy.
She set free her burden.
Despite the secret judgment.
In which I cowardly agreed.
She is still afterall free from it.

I'm dying to be freed.
But I'm afraid to be judged.
Just from that reckless moment.
I bet your opinion of me will change.
So still I remain silent.
And with me the secret remains.

War.

2011-12-24T01:06:00.003+08:00

When all she remembers was hurt.
A trap she lays in wait for them.
Once trapped, there's no way out.
Like the pain from the past.
She inflicts it back upon them.
But little does she know.
That hurt will be all she feels.

If I could put a stop to it.
Maybe. Just maybe it will all end.
Revenge is always sweet.
Even if it means losing oneself.
Yet that doesn't matter anymore.
I've already lost myself.

Two-faced.
Double personality.
Two. Double.
It's not one of me.

Shades of Grey.

2011-12-22T13:36:00.002+08:00

Counting down to the days.
Till it is a new year.
Just so I can forget.
That the past even existed.

Shell.

2011-12-21T11:06:00.001+08:00

There are two persons within this shell.
And in my mirror I see my tortured self.
One smiles like a sweet girl she longs to be.
The other clawing her way out like the rebel she is.

Today is the first time I forgot my wallet.
So I walked from Haw Par Villa Station.
All the way to work. In heels. Say ouch.
And suddenly my workplace seem so far.

Today is the first time I was amazed. Yet amused.
I was wholly astounded by this guy's appetite.
Men who eats way more than me is a turn on.
But really amusing to hear him say this:
"Porridge is not filling. It's just water and rice."
Hmm a familiar case of a black-hole stomach?
I guess my brother is sorely missed.

Privacy.

2011-12-09T21:15:00.004+08:00

Sometimes feel like privatizing my blog.
Honest feelings can never be honest.
Thoughts can never be brushed off.
People read and judge you for it.
This is probably the only time.
Where I feel honest to myself.
And what? You read and judge me?
Seriously.
Criticisms?
Save it.

So many questions of why.
All resounding in my head.
Why can't I do what I want?
Why can't I be what I am?
Must I restrain myself for you?
Just because I am out of the norm?
It's not like I am cutting you out.
Is it that weird or unreasonable?
That I require a large personal space?
Am I that much of a deviant?
That I like being alone with my thoughts?

Sometimes death seems like a clean getaway.

No Cure.

2011-12-06T21:31:00.002+08:00

I'm proud of myself
Holding myself up
The whole day
Took all my self-control
And drained my energy
Fleeting emotions
Don't even know
Which to take on
I'm tired

Like a drug
I just can't quit
It's like a cycle
There is no end

I'm harsh I know.
This hunch of mine says.
I'm just an emotionally independent one.

Hmm I feel like singing k on my own.
So many things I did on my own already.
Movie; Shopping; Concert;
What else am I not afraid of?

TVXQ!

2011-12-04T23:20:00.002+08:00

4th December 2011.
Today marks the day.
I finally see Jung Yunho!
My wish come true!
Past 2 days feeling so depressed.
Almost thought I was never going to go.
But all thanks to that girl on Twitter.
(I believe her name is Adeline)
Thanks to her I got a chance to see Yunho.

Started going to SIS (Singapore Indoor Stadium)
(I only found out today SIS stands for that ha ha!)
Or rather rushed there upon confirmation.
I jumped the chance to buy tickets via Twitter.
Only wanted seated tickets and not mosh pits.
But this girl was offering $80 for Pen B ones.
So took that offer immediately.
Besides I just wanted to be able to see Yunho.
Didn't really care what means I was going to use.

Went early to queue for the official merchandise.
And boy was it long! Thankfully fast though.
Bought myself a towel and a light stick.
(i'm more for practicality over anything else)
And then after that just long onslaught of waiting.
It felt like ages and I feared disappointment.
But alas! she came with the golden ticket!
I think I was extremely anxious.
It feels like no amount of thank yous was enough.
My hands shook just holding that ticket.
(no, i'm not exaggerating)
Straight went in to sit in for the queue.
Yet another long period of waiting time.
Throughout this whole time I was in a blank.
I don't think it hit me yet that I was going to see him.

Finally time slowly crawled by.
And soon I was on my feet.
Holding that golden ticket (though albeit rumpled)
Going through that standard procedure: bag checks.
Then walking fast almost running.
Finding a good spot to see him.

Show started with the Before U Go; KYHD MV.
Staggeringly long video but finally the boys came out!
And to start off with Maximum is really the best!
Yunho looks so handsome in white!
(okay la Changmin too, looking like the prince)
Heh I giggled a little with Yunho's chest exposure.
(guess he was confident enough with his moobs =x)
Yunho did the usual introduction but in English.
(hmm Yunho looks noticeably taller than at airport..)

Then proceeded with a short interview.
And also a silly little: "Know Singapore Before U Go"
Have to admit CM is so cute during this segment.
Guess he was so amused by the fans revelation of answers.
(he seems to have a lot of fans compared to poor YH)
YH was cute saying how Korean must be one of our official language.
Cause seems like lots of fans know how to speak.
Hehe then even cuter was them speaking Singlish.
CMs "No problem..lah?" YH's "Chilli crab is shiok!"
Then both of them "So many fans here..alamak!"

They had a short break after the interview.
In which fans see the making of Before U Go MV.
It's not like there was subtitles for me to understand.
Nevertheless, biased me seeing how manly YH is.
They came back singing How Can I/ Story I Don't Want To Believe.
After which another round of interview questions.
Typical "What do you think of Singapore?" and all.
Then fans got the chance to ask them questions too.
But I felt those questions were such a bore.
(and not only me based on the reactions we gave)
And cute YH sniggering at the rest of our reactions.
Come on, who asks them to compare fans of different nationalities?!
And why the "What is your favorite local food?"
Duh they had chilli crabs yesterday at Jumbo!?
But the "aww" moment when YH spoke of CM.
When asked "How's it like working with each other?"
Said he faces lots of stress and pressure being the leader
But CM is there with support so he eases the stress.

Posters then came out for them to personally autographed.
These are for the winners of the fan made videos.
YH so cute figuring out how to sign them.
Because the poster was landscape but it was placed portrait.
And poor CM had to wait for him since only 1 marker.
He had to cock his head to the side to sign it.
YH added a "God bless you"
CM with a "Thank you <3" and a smiley with a victory sign.

We all watched the 1st fan video.
It was like a play back into time.
Where she first saw them at a concert in KL years ago.
And expressed how long she(us) waited.
Also expressing the wish to see them again.
Then a footage of them at Tokyo Dome.
It was like a hint of a wish to see all 5 of them again.

2nd fan video was a good illustrated one.
But definitely a CM biased one.
Started with asking them if they know what a love bean was.
How she collects love beans and makes a wish upon each.
Of which she wishes for their success and happiness.
Illustrated their win at Mnet last time.
And how CM cried and this fan cried along.
Probably at this point everyone present cried as well.
Then funny part was this sentence in the video.
"Why would I wish for someone who doesn't know me?"
And CM could be seen nodding his head.
As though wondering why would she too!
Then he further nodded upon this other sentence.
"Must be the power of oppa's existence." ha ha!!

Video ends and YH said they were touched by all fan videos.
That watching it gives them the strength.
Both of them seemed kind of out of it during that time.
Another break after that and yet another video.
This time is bits of them live at SMTOWN Paris.
They came back up singing Before U Go.
And omona the sexy dance section got me screaming.
It ends and the boys are left on the stage.

CM was like "Are you happy tonight?"
YH said in chinese "你门开心吗?"
They moved on to perform short medley.
Consisting of The Way U Are and Mirotic.
Then a full Rising Sun which got everyone screaming.
Heart clenched when they sang it at first.
I thought of how I wanted all 5 to do this.
But oh well can't think this when these 2 already here.
Making so much effort to put this performance up for us.
This is one song I always love to see YH in.
He goes all out and wild hehe.

Break again and the last video of the day.
Of YH and CM birthday celebration with fans in Korea.
YH's one showed men behind screens with their silhouettes.
And so funny how CM was so obvious despite fake voice used.
YH immediately pointed out that it was him.
Then CM's one YH made CM wear birthday hat.
But after blowing out the candles on the cake he removed it.

Last performance of the day was Keep Your Head Down.
I was totally smitten with YH's charisma here.
And can't be helped at how powerful this song is.
So the dance made him even more so manly to me.
They ended with a little speech. YH's "I love Singapore!"

Years of waiting.
I waited for 5 to come.
3 came last year.
2 finally came this year.
We'll wait again.
For 5 once more.

Shattered.

2011-11-30T23:05:00.002+08:00

Last day of November.
And a lousy day already.
Morning still in a sweet mood.
Smiling in thoughts of yesterday.
(of which I refer to the MAMA event)
Come lunch time I crashed down low.
Probably a new record low.
No thanks to my clumsiness.
Causing a breakage worth $1289.
It caused my appetite for lunch to die.
Thankful for a strong front.
It was the calm before the storm.
Another damage worth god knows how much.
Luckily not in my hands this time.
But still, I feel it amounts to me.
So storm raging within already.
It feels worse when everyone is so nice.
Perfectionist not so perfect after all.
Flawed, flawed, flawed.
Fuck my life. $1289.

Drastic Distress.

2011-11-27T21:41:00.003+08:00

Once in awhile the mad urge bubbles up again.
Every time after some emotional happenings,
I will always want to cut my hair.
To me it has a significant meaning to it.
Cutting my hair releases the burden.
It means to start anew again.

So far I have been holding myself back.
Just so as to achieve my long time dream.
Which is to get that long tresses back. ha ha!
But it still disturbs me.
I still feel like doing something drastic.
So today I bought that hair dye!
And I'm still not giving up the idea of the tattoo.
But that needs to take awhile.
I need to save some moolahs.

Today my Sunday turned awry.
All because of the friggin' piece of technology.
If I could choose, I would rather life without it.
I could have just smashed the damn iPad for all I care.
If they talked again as though nothing happened.
Seriously, I might just blow up at them.

November: the month of quarrels and black faces.

Decelerate.

2011-11-21T23:01:00.003+08:00

Hasn't it been a long time?
Ever since it came to a stand still.
Now it comes to life again.
The heart I stopped.
It beats once more.
But not for you.

I think I said this a long way back.
Don't have the time to read through all.
But I know myself through and through.
I am not someone for anyone.
As easily as I gain interest,
I lose it just as fast.
Explanation? None.
Maybe that I get bored really easily.

It beats again.
But I stilled it down.
I mute it out.
And froze it up.
"No more, no more".
My mind said so.

Ch-Ch-Chatty.

2011-11-19T13:58:00.003+08:00

I had to record it somewhere.
This year's D&D at Tanjong Beach Club.
My virgin experience with company dinners.
Of course typical expectations.
It being held in some function room.
But this one was awesomely at the beach.
Which was made more beautiful.
By the fact that it felt so secluded and private.
And more so with the dim lighted atmosphere.
So couldn't help but to fall in love with it.
I'll say I'd love to go back again.
But of course only if I am rolling in moolahs.

The beach at night is always my fave.
The night sky; the sand in my feet;
The smell of sea breeze;
The sound of the waves.
But if only there were stars.
Maybe there were some.
In my eyes. haha!
Considering the fact I was so delighted.
Upon knowing who I sat next to during dinner.
Heh, me and my little secret crush.

I'll always realise after the events.
How plying me with just a little alcohol will do to me.
I automatically become more chatty, giggly and brave.
But the bravery is none other than dutch courage.
Can't believe I just told the drunk guy to chill.

Anyway, it was quite some fun.
Oh yeah.
I now know someone more dramatic than me.
And that's saying something you know!

Honestly.

2011-11-11T19:31:00.004+08:00

Okay strike out everything I said before.
I'm in a way better mood now.
So not going to stay pissed by those insults.
Either way you still think I'm fucked up.
So fine by me.
I'll admit.
Hell yeah.
I am.
:)

Dual.

2011-11-07T16:31:00.002+08:00

Freeing this other person in me.
Gave up being the goody two shoes.
Say hello to my spiteful friend.
She's now the new me.

Sickened.

2011-11-07T00:31:00.003+08:00

My head hurts.
I expected this.
But never made myself ponder over.
All these while I was just in nothingness.
Nowadays can't judge whether I am happy or not.
I never question myself about my emotions.
It has become of utmost unimportance.
So long as I live my life.
I have honestly degraded.
To a point I don't give a damn to my emotions.
So I will live in my nothingness.
And in non-existence.

So I've finally fallen sick.
On a weekend so to speak.
It annoys me so.
All these while holding up.
Never falling sick.
Because no matter how I can't.
For there is always work for me.
A reason for me to not avoid work.
But it's a holiday tomorrow.
And I'm sick.
Waste of sickness, damnit.
I feel like taking an MC on Tuesday too.

I couldn't answer the question posed.
Never once thought of turning back.
Maybe being the stubborn ass that I am.
I've learnt to never look back.

With the words she type.
She lives another life.
Yet with the words she type.
She also lives a lie.

Copyright Lephisto.
(Copy it and you die)

Random:
I really love my alter ego.

Perfecting Me.

2011-11-03T12:59:00.003+08:00

Like a mimosa.
Claim your hold on me.
And I'll wither in and close up.

-----------------------------------

Claim me to be yours.
I'll become perfect for you.
Losing all that's left of me.
Will I still be yours then?

Rainy Nights.

2011-10-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

It rains again.
The sound of raindrops.
Lulled her into a trance-like state.
Walked out under the dark sky.
Hands reaching out beyond her.
She awoke to the touch of the rain.
Standing there dumbfounded.
And she stood there soaked to the skin.
Gradually she closed her eyes.
Then took in the scent of the rain.
Once more she is cleansed.

Copyright Lephisto.

I'm in a writer's mood again.
Alas, it's been a long time.

Great Lengths,

2011-10-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

Men are such fascinating creatures.
They either frustrate me or amuse me.
Why every single time they go to such lengths.
When at the end all they want is just one thing.

So why?
To this extent.
It is a cycle.
It will still come to that, no?
Then apologies again.
Infinite cycle.

Every single time it still gets to me.
It is easy for them. No losses.
We're at a disadvantage.
I wonder how everyone would think.
If they just knew.
How disappointed will they be.

I try. I keep trying.
To not let it get to me.
Selective memory really makes sense.
I put it away at the back of my mind.
Block it all out.
As though I'm still untainted.
That's what I'll like to think.

Fuck you.
If you judge me for that.
But damn.
Even I judge myself.
I've let myself down.

Saying it doesn't matter.
I guess that doesn't work.

Restrain.

2011-10-21T23:21:00.002+08:00

Today was really stupid.
Work and personal should never mix.
That has always been my motto.
Almost let that slide away.

I will not let myself down again.
Undeserving to let emotions run.
So I rise again once more.
Though alone but I'll live through.
And in fact, I realize that's all I need.
Through time then maybe I will mellow.

Like a wild horse that runs free.
Until captured and tamed.
Or it willingly surrenders.

And I foresee more complications.
It's always a infinite cycle.
And why can I never end it.
I cannot fathom why.
It's like a curse.

Lasting.

2011-10-15T11:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wished to never be woken.
So I'd be stuck in a dream state forever.

I'm trying; Still trying.
At times it is so hard.
Everyone looks to me.
Anticipating a smile.
And I have to give one.
Doing so reassures them.

What I want now:
A place with no one to hear me.

But how could I.
When I did all that.
I have no reason.
Escape.
That's all I am capable of.
Always.

I wish I was a nomad.
Moving here and there.
No permanent home.
I want to leave again.

Fleeting thoughts.
Random ones.
Nobody knows.
Neither do I.
Where does it stem from.

Like that rose from long ago.
Dying and withered.
It's beauty lost.
Once in its lifetime.

Sigh and Age.

2011-10-10T21:41:00.002+08:00

If we aged with every sigh we made,
I'd be disintegrating right now.

Someone once told me I couldn't be tied down.
I guess I should have believed you then.
Now it is albeit too late.

Today, I worked not because I wanted to.
But because I need it.
I smiled not because I wanted to.
But because I have to.

Parents are like psychics.
They seem to notice the slightest change.
I couldn't even avoid skipping a meal.

Is there a fear of yourself?
The fear of becoming someone else.
It is ironic because all these while I wanted to.
I wanted to be someone else for a change.
But I fear I may not return back to myself.
Does that make sense? Or am I being paranoid?
It doesn't matter anymore.
I've started this, I won't turn back and cry foul.

Dose of Fantasy.

2011-10-03T12:53:00.003+08:00

Can't seem to differentiate well.
Between fantasy and reality.
Gone too far in.
It's too late to back out.
Fixation with words said.
But words are just words.
It holds no meaning when typed.
Speak it out loud and we'll see.

"My precious girl".

Aged.

2011-09-30T22:05:00.002+08:00

Worrying thoughts popping out of nowhere.
Displaying warning signs I'm going downhill.
I'm sensing the distance. I'm sensing my change.
Or maybe I only just figured I already had.
I wonder if entering the working world made me so.
Became more sarcastic.
More unrestrained.
More impulsive.
Losing that hold.
It's fading.
Fast or slow.
I can't tell.

Oddity.

2011-09-15T22:12:00.005+08:00

Barbie and Ken's wedding pictures!
I know it's just plastic.
But helluva pretty!

It just started.
And came out of the blue.
Getting too close for comfort.
Can't back away.
Rather, I didn't want to.

Written.

2011-08-27T15:33:00.002+08:00

To me words are easier written than spoken.
Yes, people may say my vocabulary is good.
But it only works when written and not spoken.
Yes, look at my English grades.
But all the examinations were written ones.
(okay save for the 1 oral examination)
So what's the point of getting good English grades.
When all I can do is express it written but not spoken?

Anyway funky blue Saturday with gloomy weather to boot.
It doesn't help when I have nothing to occupy my thoughts.
I'm still thinking of the date 25 day later.
Is it odd that I think that way?
Or is it the rush of independence and becoming an adult?
Thus resulting in me wanting to go on a vacation by myself?

Sometimes I find myself hard to control or be contained.
It is like these manic urges to do things my way.
And nobody can stop them however much they say.

Smeared.

2011-08-22T22:31:00.002+08:00

Sometimes she looks into the mirror.
And all she wants to do is smash it.
Smearing her reflection with bloodied hands.
Until all that's left is an unrecognizable mess.

Hmm. It's August is closing up soon.
I'm not happy about the approaching date.
I wanted to have a getaway of my own.
Can I last minute run overseas somewhere?
I'm sorry. I know I am funny.
I suddenly want to disappear on that day.

Alas!

2011-08-15T20:19:00.002+08:00

It has been a long time since I wrote in here.
And eons ago when I wrote in my diary.
Days passes so fast sometimes.
So much changes in our lives.
Though I thought and hoped I won't change.
But as much as I am telling myself not to,
I think I already saw it happened.

Oddly enough, to be unchanging seems difficult now.

I'm having a gazillion train of random thoughts.
Ranging from friends to love to secrets to Korea.
And many other more just it seems crazy to list it all.

I'm so settled into work now.
So much as that it seems like ages when I started.
And with work comes the flow of cash.
In which I'm reminding myself not to be materialistic.

Okay shall curb the flow of random thoughts and this post.
For now.

Trance.

2011-07-21T19:37:00.002+08:00

Alone you sat
Facing the sea
With sorrowful eyes
Unknowingly
Like a trance
Drawn towards you
Thump thump
My heart raced
In wait all these while
Alas it came to closure
Words I longed to hear
For "sorry" never came easy.

It's been ages since I did some writing.
Haven't gone on deviantart anymore.
Neither did I bothered writing traditionally.
I'll be damned. I ought to take up a pencil soon.

Little Girl

2011-07-03T22:50:00.002+08:00

After growing up, soft toys weren't practical anymore.
But today getting a teddy bear from my parents.
I felt like a little girl once more.
Anyway I hope this is the last teddy bear I get.
For I still prefer practicality over sentimentality.

Stability.

2011-07-02T23:53:00.003+08:00

I remember the emptiness before landing this job.
Now I am thankful for the stability in my life.
And really am for everything is finally right.
Despite settling in, I can't help but still feel uncertain.
About how as time progresses how it will change.
But for now I will just look forward in acceptance.

Just an ordinary girl.
With simple wishes.
She asks just for one thing.
To have a smile everyday.
Even if it may or may not,
Be blighted by sadness or anger,
As long as at the end of it all,
She smiles for it's just another day.

Time Turner.

2011-06-26T23:00:00.002+08:00

Counting every minute.
Down to every second.
With each moment shared.
Hold fast to memories.
Time is ticking.
Out it runs.
I tightened my hold.
But you slipped away.
Into the darkness.
I lost you again.
Left here alone.
With only my memories.
And the love we had.

I think of the time turner.
I think of a pair of star-crossed lovers.
And the boundaries between them.

I See.

2011-06-23T22:15:00.002+08:00

Honestly I am starting to see it now.
And I fully understand it all the more.

Just the mention of the name.
Even the tone of your voice.
Sometimes I can see.
By the look in your eyes.
But I rather not.
For it brings tears to mine.

Once a While.

2011-06-21T20:25:00.002+08:00

Finally for once I am awake and free!
Oh the perks of this new job! ha ha!
Though yesterday I crashed and burned.
Due to working non-stop from last week Wednesday.
Plus yesterday was my first day at IFF.
I had to upload a lot of info into my brain drive.
And being so highly strung on my first day.
It was no doubt I was so exhausted after the end.

At least today it was slightly better.
This morning feel totally sad and guilty.
Didn't know my daddy was waiting for me.
In the end had to tell him to go ahead first.
Okay tomorrow onwards shall wake earlier!
Then today's work was one mistake after another.
Despite that I was being hard on myself,
Being a creative assistant (cool job name eh?)
Compounding flavours has to be really meticulous.
So was utterly upset over my screwed up moments.

Being bored while commuting to work leads to this.
(or maybe it could be something else)

Though it may be crowded,
And even if my eyesight is blurry,
I can still tell it is you.
Despite how much has passed between us,
You still remain unchanged; untouched by time.
Or is that how I remember of you?
So much so that I refuse to look past the changes.

Sometimes I wonder what happens if our eyes met.
Would you have acknowledged that I was there?
Or would you have taken me as non-existent?

So I wander around clueless; searching for an answer.
But as I search, I delve back into the past.
I thought I was strong.
I thought I was over it.
But I was wrong.
As I had been all this time.

Firsts.

2011-06-16T23:19:00.002+08:00

I need a place for distraction right now!
The more I continue, the more embarrassed I am!
Not only embarrassment but also annoyance.
My creative juices is just not flowing through!
First time I'm doing something of this sort.
Anyway, to a particular reader:
After you figured what this post actually meant!
You sure had better be honored alright! ha ha!
Oh man I sure am regretting doing this now...
It's so...big and obvious! ARGH!!!

On the other hand, finally an update on my life.
The last I mentioned I was starting a new job.
Funny how this time round I am going to end it.
But this had to be done for I found a permanent job.
So 3 more days and I say goodbye to this lingerie job.
It was as I stated in my resignation letter:
"A rewarding experience"
After this job I have the utmost respect for the service line.
Lots of things I had learned but I shan't bore you out.
Nevertheless, right after I end, I start something new.
It is going to be amazing having to adapt to the changes.
Cause the next day of my last day is my first day.
(heh i know i purposely make this mind boggling!)
At least next weekend is finally free~!

Blissful Contentment.

2011-06-05T22:37:00.003+08:00

This whole week has been quite a dream.
But tomorrow have to crash back down to reality.

Saturday went to the National Museum of Singapore.
Explored the history of Singapore with old man!
Then had an orgasmic dinner at Ma Maison. ha ha!
(honestly, it was that good!)
Had a drink back at our previous starting point.
Then walked all the way to Marina Bay Sands.
And watched the laser and fountain show there.
I guess that left us both pretty dazzled!
And from that day onwards, I will never look at escalators the same way again!

Today woke up all groggy, sore and tired.
He made my day appearing with coffee from Starbucks!
(tsk his underhand method to make me cry...)
Had our lunch of Carl's Junior burgers!
Proceeded to watch X-Men First Class!
Albeit long movie of 2 hours and 10 minutes!
But well I can never find fault with superhero movies!
Plus I had this thing for young Magneto there! ha ha!
Walked all the way to Pasir Ris via connector park.
Then it is the last meeting till the next time. Zzz.

So tomorrow will be the start of my experience.
Working in the service line industry that is.
I honestly hope I learn to be more independent.
And not to mention learn some patience from this.
Tuesday will be having the interview with IFF.
Hopefully can get the job in a related field.
Despite the location being really far away.
At least there is something permanent and stable.
Plus this is something that just interests me so!
Alright! Wish me luck!

Kinship.

2011-06-04T00:52:00.002+08:00

Today all was great.
Met up with old high school teachers.
Mix of sad reminisce and happy memories.
Chatters and all with good old friends too.
And at night cooked up a meal for the old one.

But came to certain blood related news.
First came sadness over the situation.
Then later I was totally fucking pissed.
Like my sister said via her Facebook status.
"Finds it hard to mask disappointment in my voice"
I thought grandpa's death brought us all together.
So seems like it was all wishful thinking on my part.

Honestly, I hope they see those status updates.
And then also the evidence of pictures taken.
Be ashamed. To even dare accuse my parents.
Really! How dare you and how could you think that!
And being adults and family. Where's kinship?

Insidious

2011-05-29T23:45:00.002+08:00

This is probably the first time.
That I suggested watching a horror movie.
And most probably I have lost it. (my mind la!)
Considering how scared I used to be about it.

But funnily enough I really seem to have lost it.
(this though referring to my fear! ha ha!)
Then again could be due to a variety of reasons.
Anyway the start of the show was pretty good.
What with the good creepy music and all.
It was a little showy for an introduction.
Plot was slightly long and draggy in the front.

But when it came to the back I was quite neutral.
Definitely some sudden scares here and there.
However, the main demon was friggin' idiotic.
It resembled Darth Maul from the Star Wars!
And the 2 guys who were the supposed helpers.
They just look like some comedic gag duo man.
Also when the medium wore the friggin' gas mask.
It was a total "what the fuck?" moment. =_=;
Hmm at least I was satisfied with the morbid ending.
Well the producers of Paranormal Activity improved a little.

inSINuate.

2011-05-27T21:13:00.002+08:00

Today was graduation day.
We moved onto another phase of our life.
I know I was mad to go in as a visitor.
No amount of explanation could be given to why.
I tried but it still makes no sense to anyone.
So I gave up and said what sounds plausible.

Initially I never even wanted to go for it.
But that was before. And now is now.
As though an alter ego overtook me.
So here I admit I am so glad I went.
For various reasons unknown to myself.
It still feels shocking. Huge change of mindset.
Happy that memories were made via photos.
All that happiness contained in that place.
It was so contagious I had a smile everywhere.

I wanted to post a random story I wrote.
But it is still in construction and untitled.
Small moment of annoyance with someone.
She was insinuating something I didn't like.
It wasn't the first time either.
Oh well.

Possessive.

2011-05-26T11:58:00.003+08:00

I discovered a treasure trove of Dean Koontz books!
And I am so not telling anyone where it is! ha ha!
His books are all mine! Mine! MINE!
(okay, just kidding! i'm really not like that!)
Honestly speaking, ever since Dean Koontz's The Taking,
I almost half expect each time it rains it means the end.

Enticed.

2011-05-24T12:41:00.002+08:00

Once again hooked onto Dean Koontz books.
I think I have given up on romance novels.
Why bother when the endings are typical?
Plus reading it gives too much false hope.
So all I have been reading are horror and thrillers.
They give me the adrenaline and fear gripping feel.
Therefore if I freak myself out at night while reading,
I guess of course I only have myself to blame! ha ha!

He stood there bewildered, staring at her.
Or at least he thinks it is her.
He slowly walked forward to confirm his answer.
Physically, he could tell it is definitely her.
But what he could not understand was her eyes.
She viewed him like a stranger as he approached.
Yet her eyes beckoned him; dark and provocative.
As an invitation, she gave him a seductive smile.
His thoughts flew around his mind in a whirl.
From conservative almost to the point of being a prude.
To this...a total seductress dressed lasciviously.
And just like that he fell into her trap.
In the end, he never did get his answer.

Alter Ego by Lephisto.
(whose alter ego is none other than this blogwriter)

Daunting.

2011-05-22T20:53:00.004+08:00

Lately I have been in quite a bit of a blissful mood.
It is only when I am alone then I feel so unsettled.
I guess the word "Unemployed" is the reason behind.
But also the future is so daunting and hard to foresee.
Time is ticking and here I am still contemplating.
Shall not mention anymore. I'll just be more frustrated.

Today's first time as a helper for the HPB event!
Things were pretty much totally unexpected!
For starters, I was not familiar with Toa Payoh area.
So I thought I was going to meet working adults.
But didn't expect most of it were aunties and uncles!
And for the most part I had to speak in Chinese!
(something in which i ain't that confident about!)
So at the end of the day I'm amazed by myself.

Also despite the greediness of some people..
(they were mainly there for the free goodie bags)
There were quite a number of cute aunties and uncles.
Damn friggin' funny how I loved telling them this:
哦，auntie/uncle 很健康哦！
And they would smile back and chit chat with me.
Or tell them: 啊！auntie/uncle 体重超过健康范围了哦！
Then they give sheepish smiles and tell me their complaints.
When it was all over and I was alone with my thoughts.
I wished I were more proficient in dialect.

Idiocy.

2011-05-20T23:43:00.003+08:00

Currently reading Dean Koontz's Funhouse.
Horror novels scare and entice me at the same time.
Anyway I found this particular passage funny.
It was totally fucking accurate.
Okay don't mind me. Lately I've been rather crude.
Maybe I've undertaken a fiery redhead alter ego..

Here goes:

He pressed so tightly against her that she could feel his erection.
He wanted her to feel it because he wanted her to know that she turned him on.
To Jerry's way of thinking, his erection was the greatest compliment he could pay her.
Jerry was an ass.

HA! Fuck yeah.

Incurable.

2011-05-19T22:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder if it is naivety or what.
But really! It makes my blood boil and pressure go up.
Those things were really elementary school ya know.
I've been saying it non stop ever since...goodness knows when.
And what is the point of me saying it when you don't listen?
Then what is the point of you asking me in the first place?
So many times too I've been told to ignore ignore ignore.
Being me, oh so typical me, I just can't do that.
Afterall in a way, I'm indebted to you.
But seriously, at times I just want to say this:
WHAT THE FUCK?

Beginnings.

2011-05-17T22:47:00.002+08:00

Today is the day many things began! ha ha!
(okay maybe it was a slight exaggeration there...)
But hey! I started my day as a redhead! ha ha!
Now I'm still a little at loss for words to describe it.
It's a mix of amazement, amusement and pure bliss.
Considering it took me a long while to realize it myself.
It even took a random person's question to get through.
Poor random person, I'm guessing your hints backfired!

Stale & Stagnant.

2011-05-16T00:02:00.004+08:00

The dreaded cycle has arrived again!
In which I go into one of my moods.
And have this urge to snip off my locks.
Or else it is to have a drastic hair dye job.
My mission of super long hair has not been achieved!
So guess it just leave me with a drastic dye job!
Fuck yeah, I know I am whimsical.

Contrast

2011-05-14T21:22:00.007+08:00

One look at both my toenails and fingernails and you would know.
That inside me, there exist contradicting personalities.
From the sweet peach pink colour on my toenails,
To the dark midnight purple colour on my fingernails.
(well screw it!)

I've always admired actors and actresses.
And somehow deep inside I desire to actually be one.
Because with every role you take, you get to be someone else.
Someone new; Someone different.
Be it good or be it bad.
Also you legally get to do the wickedest things. (heh good excuse!)
And knowing myself, I gain interests just as easily as it wanes.
Maybe that occupation it's easy to be in and out of character.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Then again I think it would leave me in a sad state too.
To have lost myself in the midst of all the characters.

Still, a lot of things comes to mind lately.
Mostly of the future which I'm so unsure of.
How I have yet to settled down and get a stable job.
And how I lately begun to hate myself.
Because it seems that I'm leading someone on.

Hijackers.

2011-05-10T21:17:00.002+08:00

Friends.
Sometimes you really can love and hate them.
Today I describe them as hijackers of my phone.
Haha oh well.

Insulted.
Hearing that sentence just sounds that way to me.
What's that supposed to mean?!
Or am I just being too sensitive?

Unpredictable.

2011-05-09T15:14:00.002+08:00

This year contains unexpected happenings.
I am still wondering what to make of it!

First is my dream come true trip to Korea.
Not to mention the fact it was a unguided trip.
So from this trip we grew to be independent!
But also made me appreciate my parents more.
For doing a lot of things to make holidays enjoyable.
Then also grateful to the 2 L-ders, my companions.
This trip wouldn't have been successful without them.
Really! Lots of love for the place, the weather, the food...
Plus the random people that helped us along the way!
Despite not being about to hunt down Yunho.
I'm sure I would want to go back there again!

Second thing.
Hmm. Not sure what to make of it either.
For now it seems neither here nor there.
But it doesn't matter for I'm still getting to know.
As usual the typical fears creep up the surface.
It's just the matter of getting past that.

One Man.

2011-04-30T19:32:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is THE DAY!
It still feels like a dream.
(no wonder my luggage remains unorganized...)
And I bet I won't be able to sleep tonight.
It will be the start of my man hunt.
The one and only man I want to see in Korea!
Jung Yun Ho!
Please give me all the luck I can get! ha ha!

Over.

2011-04-28T23:13:00.003+08:00

Day is coming to an end soon.
And I will breathe again.
But after all the thinking.
I realized I am my own person.
So why am I sorry for?

Unknowingly, she couldn't help herself.
So she resorted to snooping around.
And there there! She discovered his dirty little secret.

Emotional Conflict.

2011-04-28T01:57:00.002+08:00

It's the last day.
I know I won't change my mind.
But I feel like crying.
Looks like it is going to be a long day...

Identical.

2011-04-26T00:41:00.003+08:00

Uncanny how after I posted that.
I read something that just said exactly.

Uncontrollable.

2011-04-24T19:14:00.002+08:00

In one of my unpredictable moods.
Still contemplating to go or not to.
But it seems somehow the answer is still no.
They ask me why but I can't give an answer.
Or rather the answer is probably insufficient.
Adding on to it that it is also unexplainable.

It's funny isn't it?
To have someone next to you.
But they feel so far away and out of reach.
The funniest thing is that it's not because of anyone.
Rather, I'm always the one that's out of reach.
The simplest things of me is so readable.
But the complexities remain hidden under.

People ask me to tell me what is it I am thinking.
But how can I when I can't comprehend it myself.
I can't even put it to explainable terms.
My world is only fixated around words unspoken.
I'm not a great talker about the inner working of my mind.
And when I try to speak, it just won't come out right.
So how can I ask of anyone to try to understand me.
When I can't even understand why I am like this either.

Now I just wait despite feeling really out of it.
Because I know this will pass and I will smile again.

Never Say Never.

2011-04-19T23:47:00.004+08:00

There has been quite a bit of things I did lately.
And these are things I thought I'd never do:

1. Eating dinner with my sister and her friends.
2. Getting tipsy with my sister and company.
3. Going clubbing with the above mentioned.
4. Paying someone to wax somewhere really private...
5. Going to a Justin Bieber concert.

I know 1 and 2 seems funny to some.
Since siblings are supposed to be really close right?
But no my sister and I are an awkward pair.
And so to go to the extent of clubbing with them!
But well protected by them from weird drunks.
I think 4 is self-explanatory I hope...
But I'm a damn happy woman after that! ha ha!
5 is the craziest thing I'd ever consented to!
Sorry Bieber fans but he just ain't my cup of tea.
But in respect, I'd say he's quite the talented boy.

In conclusion, I guess Justin Bieber is right.
"Never say never!".

Obligations.

2011-04-12T00:37:00.008+08:00

On this very day, just the thought of it made her uneasy. All this while she followed after it like it was a custom to do so. But this year she decided for herself that she won't be obligated to do so anymore. And in doing so, maybe she would finally let go. It could also curb that occasional habit of checking up on him each time she was reminded of the past. Today, she shall keep herself busy so she wouldn't remember. Out she went on an exploration in the city, pampering herself and using shopping as therapy. Despite doing as she decided to, somehow it just couldn't extinguish that thought at the back of her mind. If only she could give herself a mental slap! Finally after a long day, she waited till the clock striked twelve. Alas! The day is over! Now she didn't feel obligated... ... to wish him a Happy Birthday.

In Denial.

2011-04-09T00:09:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I ought to be like an open book.
And to openly express my thoughts or feelings.
I guess this has never been successful before.
Why else are there things that happened because of me?

No one probably broke through this security system of mine.
My parents probably just set the alarm ringing.
But probably never discovered the pass-code either.

What happens if after all that it leaves you wanting more?

Mental Slap.

2011-04-07T22:56:00.002+08:00

Something is clearly not right with me.
And I really need to give myself a mental slap.

The mind is a dangerous place.
Well she sure does know now.
What with all the overcrowding thoughts in her head.
It is almost driving her to the brink of insanity.

Deluded.

2011-04-05T23:41:00.001+08:00

This is real bad.
I really need this fascination of mine to stop.

Uninterrupted.

2011-04-03T15:11:00.002+08:00

It is probably moments like these; Uninterrupted.
That leads me wondering the feelings behind this.
I may crave the comfortable feeling I get.
The ease in the conversation and randomness in it.
Yet I can't see how anything can proceed from there.
Makes me re-think that some things are not as it is.
And that I may have been mistaken.

It's hard to get a specific idea of what I want to do.
I like writing fictional stories with my fictional characters.
And recently like the idea of working in an event company.
The sudden exposure to new people and knowing them.
Though it still takes quite a bit to overcome my shyness.
Hmm for now I am getting carried away with my thoughts.

Thank Q.

2011-04-01T21:45:00.003+08:00

For the past 4 days was working as a event helper.
Doing registration for the Offshore Asia 2011 event.
Who would have known I'd like this job so much.
It makes me like the idea of working for Caucasians.
And meeting quite a number of people is a thrill.
I quite like the interactions I get with random people.
And smiles or "thank you's" I get back from them.
Sure does make me swell with happiness. ha ha!

Plus at free times I get to do people watching.
Get to see some beautiful people at Marina Bay Sands.
Considering there was an ongoing Men's Fashion event.
So lots of male models strutting their stuff pass our booth.
(I was just kidding. But they did look like doing catwalk!)
Not to mention seeing Julian Hee and Utt up close.
(But seriously the fashion is a turn off for me man...)
Ah~ Happy to have met some more new people!

"younger men are still men afterall!"
AHAHAHA! why thank you Miss. E.

Speechless.

2011-03-27T19:55:00.002+08:00

Seriously.
You shall take responsibility for your own actions.
Countless times now. What's next?
You're so predictable.

Locked.

2011-03-26T14:03:00.005+08:00

When someone discovers the combination
To the locks surrounding your heart
You make the effort to try and change it
Afraid to discover what's really you
Yet still hoping someone patient enough
To keep trying over and over again
Until finally you unlock it yourself for him

Each time they seem to take a piece of me.
So guess who has the most out of me?
It's no wonder why I keep returning to him.

There are two sides.
There's the naive side and the cynical one.
It feels like two persons.
And I'm wondering which is me.

Hmm on another note, really like these.
Makes me feel more piqued to get into psychology.

Mull-er.

2011-03-26T00:43:00.002+08:00

Today I got to meet the intriguing person I mentioned.
Turned out to be such a disappointment!
Like a totally different person altogether.
Whatever happened to the old friend persona?!
Oh well~

Just that question. Time stops still.
And I'm flooded with memories.
Yes, there was a reason why.
But now that I mull over it.
It seems like the stupidest reason.
Yes, it seems like an inner resolve.
Yet an immature resolve of mine.

Hmm looks like I will be kept awake.
With these thoughts of mine.

Feels Like Old.

2011-03-24T21:27:00.002+08:00

Alas I have finally met this intriguing person!
Okay fine. So I have yet to meet him in person.
But well by tomorrow I would have been able to!
This interesting person that I am so piqued to meet.
Seems to have an easygoing personality with everyone.
Talking over the phone and it feels like an old friend.
Kinda like this character on a drama I just finished.
Amused that I will meet this person.
Yet also secretly envious for that trait of his.

On the other hand, tomorrow is going to be weird.
Alright alright I get it! It's like a test of reactions.
This seems like something I have to learn to deal with.
But it sure seems like high school all over again. Tsk!

Double the Trouble.

2011-03-21T01:28:00.002+08:00

Friday went on a day trip with my uncle and family.
It's been ages since I last saw the 2 cousins of mine.
And boy have they grown since the last time!
It's funny how I like the 2 of them the best.

Being with them make me feel a part of their family.
I like the feeling of watching over them.
And them telling me random things and incidents.
Or laughing together over nonsensical jokes.
Even at times at the crudest things they can say.
I even like how they both talk at the same time.
As though fighting over who I ought to listen to first.

It's even funnier how I used to hate them so much.
Calling them the "Troublemakers J"/ "Double Trouble".
(both have names beginning with J)
But now being with them is equivalent to a getaway.
From all the stresses and worries contained in my mind.

I realised the age gap is the same as me and my siblings.
Funny how I feel closer to them than with my siblings.
I guess it is because being with them
I don't feel the need to try and be someone I am not...

Second Chance.

2011-03-10T01:45:00.003+08:00

Finished Louise Candlish's Before We Say Goodbye.
This book seemed to have given me courage.
But the courage lasted only temporarily.
Shan't say any more than this.

Not a second chance at happiness.
But a second opportunity to say goodbye.

Currently hooked onto Secret Garden.
Alas, can't deny I'm a secret romantic.

She drinks her coffee.
But unknowingly left cream on the top of her lips.
She wanted to wipe it away with her sleeve.
But he stopped her, held up her face in his hands.
And he kissed it away.

Ah~ the foam kiss!

Lo and Behold

2011-03-02T21:25:00.002+08:00

Till now I am still contemplating.

To say "yes":
It means knowing who I will face.
Having to walk in there, head held high.
Showing them that hey it is me.
The girl you played, stepped on and broke.
How I'd like to do just that.
But what have I got to show?

To say "no":
It means once again running away.
Never being able to face it once and for all.

Ah geez, can't believe I'm bothered by this.
Stupid skeletons in the closet of mine.
I'd have thought they'd quieten down by now.

Unrequited

2011-02-22T12:40:00.002+08:00

You're my nameless boy
The one for me
I'm just an unknown girl
With a one sided love

My confession
Your rejection

You're my nameless boy
Just not meant to be
I'm now the known girl
Still a one sided love
Is all you'll remember of me

I was bored. So there goes time.

How True.

2011-02-20T14:02:00.002+08:00

If somebody says, "I love you," to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol-holder requires? "I love you, too."

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Finally something I could relate to.

Bad Luck.

2011-02-18T21:17:00.003+08:00

They say it is bad luck to cry during the lunar new year.
Cause you would end up crying for the rest of the year.
I guess what they say is true.

Hearts and Love.

2011-02-15T00:17:00.002+08:00

All it took from a frown to a smile.
Was just that kiss on her forehead.

It's Valentine's Day and LOVE is everywhere!
This includes lots of love coming from my class.
We made the whole world stare with our noise.
(okay so it may not be the whole world...)
Just imagine sounds from a gaggle of geese.
Plus it was funny all of us wishing one another.
It was reminiscent to a lunar new year visit.
Poor Chin Yi against 19 of us girls. ha ha!
Anyway, it sure was an unforgettable Valentine's Day.
Even more unforgettable due to Rochelle's present.
Well it was good though, it promotes safe sex!

Kiss in the Rain.

2011-02-12T16:12:00.002+08:00

Just standing in the rain.
It's an indescribable feeling.
But a kiss in the rain,
It's beyond that.

Hmm I feel like watching that old film.
Breakfast at Tiffany's with Audrey Hepburn.
I've heard of it so much but yet to watch it.

Tower Over Me.

2011-02-06T18:36:00.003+08:00

She rubbed her eyes and looked again.
There he stood waiting for her, arms wide open.
Teary eyed she ran towards him.
Only in his arms did she crumble.

Hmm am I doing a continuous story for every post?
Haha it sure fits the previous one!

In Wait.

2011-02-06T02:48:00.002+08:00

He stood there waiting still.
Drenched in the pouring rain.
With the bouquet of roses in hand.
Where are you my valentine?

Valentine's is coming!
Supposed to write something positive about it.
But being that my mood of late is really negative...
Well yeah you get what I mean right?

Each time this subject comes up.
A rush of anger and I combust.
Am I just being too over sensitive?
But how long is this going to last?
Really is a thin line between love and hate.

When It Rains.

2011-01-30T00:40:00.004+08:00

Lately everything has to do with the rain.
The weather in Singapore is rainy.
Song I love is Paramore's When It Rains.
Hence the title of the post no doubt.
Just read a random stranger's post.
It was on how he felt after running in the rain.
Finally see someone who has the same thoughts.
He said he felt disconnected from his worries.
Seeing those words make me long to do it again.
To walk in the rain, feeling the drops on my face.
The last time of solitary walk in the rain was in China.
I missed that feeling of drizzle on my skin.
Like soft kisses was how I described it.

Today was the first time I wore a raincoat!
(that was my parent's idea since only 1 umbrella)
But boy! I seemed childhood deprived.
Giggling for the longest time while wearing it.
Flapping the sleeves since it was over-sized.
Even posing for pictures looking all wet and ridiculous.
Wearing that raincoat made me feel like a kid again.
I would love to wear it again along with boots next time.
And go out and splash around in the rain.
Hopefully not within sight of anybody though.