it was all easy to pretend i am happy and crazy and over it.
but it was just all an act.after acting then my tears would fall.
cause i didnt want to let you see the tears i cried.
so maybe acting all happy was the only thing i could do.
and you would gladly think nothing was wrong.
i so wanted to stop and sat there till u came.
i really wanted to hold you tight and never let you go.
but my legs wouldnt let me move.
and i couldnt bring myself to face you all alone.
you could say i was afraid.yes i was.afraid of seeing you.
afraid of seeing you and then not letting you go.
afraid of spilling my tears on you.
afraid that i would only be rejected.
so many things i was afraid of.
thus i could only see you from afar.
and watch your every move.
but only to pretend i was looking else where when you saw me look.
how i wanted to say things to you.how i wanted to say how i feel.
but these words just wouldnt come out from my mouth.
i wanted to say.
i only wanted to say.
how much i missed you. my past.
my past that i left behind whn i left aust.
and i dearly regret so.
i missed everyone.
it was hard to say goodbye.
thn leaving aust and coming back.
yet another hard thing to do.
tears roll but i didnt have a choice.

seeing everyone getting on.
everyone changed thou they looked the same.
i just wondered.
did they miss me as much as i miss them?
i wanted so much to continue life as i'd left behind.
but it just wasnt possible.
i was suddenly alienated and isolated.
it was then i realised everyone got on without me.

looking back,
i felt sorrow but i could only hide it.
as much as i want to.
i could only start anew with the present.
while the other memories slowly fade away,
and new ones fresh in my mind. urggh.2day followed hm take bus 83 until stop @ her bus stop thn i took bus 82 back & it was a mistake 2 do so.lol.cos i was once again approached by a malay guy asking wat sch i came frm so i replied i was frm nchs thn l8tr he asked if i was sec 1 or wad -.- thus i replied again i was actually sec 3 thn he wen back & told his grp of friends thn later he called me again & asked if 1 of his guy friend was handsome or nt-.- thn said tat guy wanted 2 woo me-.-luckily he had 2 stop 1 stop earlier thn me but he tried asking which stop i was stopping but i refused 2 answer him.urrgh.malay guys.tat wasnt the end of those stupid qns.i reached home & took a lift & in wif me was a middle aged chinese guy who asked me 2 help him press the 9th floor button so i did thn l8tr he looked @ me & asked which sch i was & i replied.then he said:"oh chinese sch so u chinese lahs"-.-(well duh.)& he stupidly asked if i was frm china -.- (GOD! do i look lyk a china girl?) in which i hurriedly said no.thn l8tr he asked if i was sec 1!(why every1 thinks i am sec 1?!?!?!)thn b4he left he said he was a teacher 2.-.- 2day 1st had screamfest in class during krishnan period cos he was standing near my seat whn he suddenly shouted @ sum1.causing me 2 scream v.loudly & practically whole class erupted in laughters-.- so embarassing.lols.thn 2day we had late notice tat we had 2 hang the flags 4 national day so aft sch straightaway started & tis time wif the help of 2 new "members" hong wei & wei pin.lols.we were happily doing but thn whn we saw it was coming 3 & we were supposed 2 meet yy @ cp we decided 2 stop thn make use of ansar's mobile thn call yy meet sidegate thn go pizza hut & eat.lols.nw i noe the meaning of the more the merrier.we 5 sat crowded & looked @ the menu & took out money & our ez link cards & discussed as thou we having meeting lyk tat.lols.thn finally decided 2 settle on 1 wif 1 pan pizza & 1 stuff crust.waa..eat until full sia.soup nv really even touch-.-thn 2 full thn we played ard wif the food.lols.make it until so er xin thn later have "1 min silence".lols.aft our heavy "lunch" thn we all had 2 rush home but hm took mrt back thn the rest all took 83 home lers. now feeling way better.fever gone and so did the flu but the cough stays-.- ytd was a rough 1.went to sch in the early morning thou i was asked not to but had to cos of geog and english test but whn reached sch was a bit tired and weak thn geog test did very badly too.thn chinese perios couldt stand it thn went to office and called mum to pick me and go home.she came in taxi thn we bth went mall to see doctor and apparently my fever shot up to 39 degrees and i was to be given the yucky antibiotics which i always have trouble swallowing them dwn.thn i went straight home to slp for almost like 8 hrs or so.thn i think my fever went slightly dwn a bit.seems like whenever i am sick it always seem to be fever.okies no more to be said. it seems the past previous posts all look pretty depressing.none have been a nice and sincerely happy 1.things dont appear to be getting well.they only become worse.so many depressing happenings though however minor or major it is it just seems to affect me in a way i dont know how and why.i tried overcoming them and staying positive but at the end of the day it only gets back the same result and i would be back in my depressed mode again.i also tried to help others with their problems.but either they wont share with me or they could only just linger with their sadness no matter how many million or trillion times i told them to get on with life.i tried again and again but only to fail time and time again.and each time i fail i fall down even deeper.i really feel like giving up and just to heck with their problems but i just cant bear to see them suffer in pain and sadness.many times i said the same thing but they would still be the same.i wanna scold them and get angry at them but i am too scared to.and things arent as close as they were before.many a times there is awkward silence between us and somehow there is just nothing to say.so the silence hangs in the air and all we could do is just sit and look at our surroundings.only a few silences later then we start talking again about something that we probably mentioned so many times before.its so hard.hard to understand them.hard to make people happy.and hard to give up.. heex.nw my brother bored until he go watched naruto.lols.the episode 1-25 ders.lols.darn.nw he watch then i heard it then i also wanna watch again.ya.i know.me is addict until bu ke jiu yao.hmm.got 2 choices.1 is to watch naruto again and the second is go read the harry potter and the half blood prince which my sister got already.damn it.but she read like a bit nia then i cant go and read or else later i forget the page she was on then she'd probably kill me.urrgh.i cant stand it!the temptation is killing me~i juz so wanna grab the book and run!lols.then imagine my sister running and hunting me down.lols.hmm.lets see..eenie meenie marnie moe.. hm.rite nw awaiting my dad 2 come home frm wrk thn we all can go out 4 dinner 2gether.siianx.nth much happened 2day.juz plain ol' boring.only aft sch wen 2 kfc wif hm & ate the rancho pockett.had loads of troubles eating tat damn thing.lols.& i was practically picking out my veggies.i am such a veggie hater,kind of.& the chicken was 2 big 2 fit in our mouths.lols.thn aft eating thn jiu walk ard cp b4 taking bus all the way 2 punggol mrt station where we stopped there 2 buy snacks 2 munch on.we left our bags on the steps thn wen & buy & whn we came back this bus driver was hovering over our bags & asking if it was ours & we said it was.apparently he was scared our bags contained bombs.lols.imagine tat.we only had lyk a few dumb sch bks lors.lols.afterwards,hm waited wif me 4 bus 82 2 go home thn while waiting & since so bored we decided 2 imitate various people's voices.lols.thn reached home thn nth to do liaos. havent really been updating much these few days.or is it a week?anyways,nth much to talk abt also.haven been really a good week with all the never ending tears and sadness.they only bring depression to oneself.tried cheering up.tried joking but to no avail.sometimes wanted to give up halfway and will be sulking away the whole day but still at some point of time things goes back to normal and before i know it,tears came again.waiting is wasting for people like me so i'd like to get a move on and not stay and drag over the past though it keeps coming back to me.hn.juz sometimes wanna get away from everybody and be alone for the time being.get them to shut up and i will be happy.shut up about all their problems.cause they are not the only one who has them anyway.so just get the fuck on with life will ya?! no.there isnt any black out occuring here at home.juz looking out the window and watching the dark clouds outside.dark.very dark.i lurrve it.black.gone as crazy as to wear black too.off shoulder black top i wore to swensens ytd.haiix.siianx.later going tution at ade's and currently grandma and the maid is at my house now and my parents are getting on with the lie that my grandma's mother is coming to pick her up later and send her home.lols.yep.my grandma is acting a kid.she still believes she's as young as before.okies.need to run!brother is back! phoo.so full nw.juz came back frm changi airport t2.my parents + my bro and i went to swensens to eat.i ate fish and chips while bro eat breaded chicken,mum ate mix pepper chicken and dad eat steak.we also ordered calamari rings,salad and fried mushroom thingys.thn after we finished our meal then we ordered earthquake(ice cream).8 ice creams in total and 4 ppl eating.so practically double.got yam,chewy choc,mango,pistachio almond,raisin,coffee and lime sherbet.eat until wanna burst sia.lols.finished eating thn straightaway go home since dad wants to watch his tian long ba bu -.-". yoshh.still kinda goggly eyed here aft watching Fantastic4 @ Orchard Cineleisure wif parents + my sis & her bf.my parents & i reached there 2 take our dinner @ Kobayashi thn later sis arrived 2 eat @ the food court while dad wen 2 collect the tickets.aft collecting & waiting 4 sis & her bf 2 finish eating thn we made our way 2 the top most level & waited 2 get in 2 the cinema 2 sit.but b4 tat we had 2 wait 4 lyk half an hr? & during tat time,loads of dad's colleagues were there chit chatting.aft standing outside 4 so long finally was able 2 go in & watch the movie.was damn nice man.but parents thot it was 2 loud.lols.but still action packed & exciting.loved it 2 bits.wanted 2 opt 2 watch another later screening @ 8:30 but unfortunately no1 2 accompany.thus,we drove off aft movie 2 ah ma hse cos mum was kinda worried abt the maid & ah ma.thn aft things cleared up thn wen straight home liaos. yay.later me and family gonna go cathay cineleisure to watch fantastic four since dad has free tickets frm work cos its supposed to be family day today?at least got this to cheer me up a bit.haiix.these few days every1 seems to be in a sad mood.cant find the right words and feeling kinda helpless.hmm.me trying to lighten up a bit and i managed to clear off a bit of the scratch marks on my arms after getting all tensed up and scratching myself with these long nails.they helped ease some pain.okies bahs.nth more left to say.gonna get ready to go out and watch show ^^~

acting as if nothing happened
but it will never be the same again
dont they ever feel the pain we do?
the countless tears we shed for them
but they could only go down the drain. yupps.rite nw relaxing and 'recreating' in our sch's comp lab enjoying free air con and internet.but actually supposed to be suggesting ideas to make bookmarks for the graduating sec4s.anyways,today found out is krishnan's 53 b'day.old rite?hahas.hey but at least our class had the honour of singing him a b'day song which i doubt in his few years of teaching,he had never had a class sing b'day song for him.lols.okies lahs.i cant think of more crap to write here lers.
needing a cure for my blackening wicked heart. hate is all thats left of me.
anger boils through my blood.
i cant feel a thing.
emotionless is what i am.
unable to find a cure,
i continue my journey in the dark. either i am easily prone to depressions or either i am juz being a foolish sulky kid.feeling invisible and on my own.everyday surely have a time where i get depressed.trying hard to stay happy yet again.everytime say try but always end up cannot ders.these few days really getting to my nerves liaos.dont wanna go to sch.dont wanna see every1.juz wanna be alone for the time being and keep to myself.dont wanna disturb sum ppl's "busy" lifes either.getting more and more sick and tired of this world.of my life.my dull dull life.okies.i shall stop this crapping shit here.
fcuk it,my dull life.
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